That moment when you wish your mouth would have waited for your brain. I could not believe that I had spoken so quickly, allowing words to leave my mouth that might impact my ability to show the Truth that I so boldly confessed to my friend.
It was a simple question. She would not have judged my answer. I just so wanted to deepen our friendship that I grabbed this point of connection.
"Did you see my manicurist, Angie? Isn't she wonderful?" My intention had been to make the appointment. I soothed my pricked conscience with that thought. I would rectify my yes by ensuring that I did today what I should have done in the past. I would make it right, and she would be none the wiser.
Until she called me later that week, asking me to pick up her son. Before I even questioned the location, I acquiesced. I took every opportunity offered to elucidate the love of Jesus to her through my life.
He was waiting with her while she had her nails done.
Walking into the salon and watching her face morph into distrust as the conversation amongst the three of us that made my misleading apparent broke my heart. The pain of my dishonesty was palpable as I drove away with her precious cargo in the backseat.
Had I just ruined any opportunity that I might have had to love her like Jesus does? The moment became the past immediately. The past impacted the present, but would it direct the future?
"I believe that I shall see the goodness of the Lord. God of my present. God of my future."
God is a God of FOR NOW. Not a temporary -- let's sit here for now while we wait for a seat, for a bite to eat, for an opportunity. FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS is very much the present rather than a holding cell for what comes next. Every action of the past - mistake or success - is part of the mosaic of today.
As I have struggled over moments that I should have listened further, waited longer, obeyed faster, spoke louder, loved deeper, written braver, or behaved better, God said,
"Angie, You are FOR NOW. Let go of the past -- what you didn't do. I already have. I am working in you, breeding life in you FOR NOW. This moment. FOR NOW. Let go of the regrets that condemn and paralyze you because I have purposed you FOR NOW."
I can't go back to the beginning, and I don't have to. God doesn't live there, so neither do I. In a supernatural, only God kinda way, the past is remembered no more. The past no longer condemns me or holds me back. It is part of the mosaic that God continuously creates of my life because I love Him. It is not a haphazard reconnaissance mission; it is freedom in the FOR NOW.
My love for Jesus and my friend drove me to ask God's forgiveness as well as hers. At her house later that day, I apologized for being dishonest. She asked me why, and our conversation flowed toward the love of Jesus.
I hate the all-too-human shortcomings of my past. When I try to bring it up, God does not know what I am talking about. His only concern is the FOR NOW.
His only concern is the FOR NOW.
Dear Heavenly Father,
I thank you for the beauty that you promise to grow in my life as I follow you. I let go of the regrets. I release to you the moments that, when remembered, bring death to my dreams. I ask that you would overshadow my thoughts with your perspective. In all my ways, let me not overthink, analyze, or spend too much time processing. Help me to grab hold of the FOR NOW. Enjoy the present without paralysis from the past because of Your presence.
For the sake of Your Name.
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